Smoke and mirrors: from stud to dud
When you meet the girl or the guy of your dreams, you work your stuff, your magic, to get them to dig you the way you dig them. It means wearing your best clothes, restricting bodily sounds to monk levels and constantly smiling. But somewhere after the first few dates you start to feel comfortable around each other to a point where formalities aren’t needed. Rachel Lootens and Greg Hudson are past the honeymoon stage, and replaced the wooing with farting. This is how they did it without killing each other.
Looks:
Greg: Today, I’m wearing my fat pants. Because they were on sale, I didn’t try them on. Turns out they were labelled wrong and they’re two sizes too big. My girlfriend Rachel lives a thousand miles away, but I would look the same if she were sitting beside me. When I first started going for Rachel, I would never opt for the fat pants. My wardrobe was calculated to impress.
Rachel: I wasn’t looking for a relationship but he was determined. I was working at a casual clothing store, so most days I was wearing jeans and a top under a cardigan. It was a safe bet that my hair would be pulled back in a ponytail and I wasn’t wearing make-up. When Greg began the wooing process, he would show up at my store unannounced and looking sharp. At the time I just thought he was a really great dresser. I think that every time he came to visit I felt a burst of nervous excitement, mixed with shame. I knew I could look hot, but he seemed to see me at my worst.
Greg:
Rachel is a workaholic. All of our first dates came as a result of me interrupting her job. I can’t blame her for the imperfect hair or the conservative fashion. Besides, I thought she was hot anyway.
Rachel: I didn’t actually pull out my A-game until a few weeks into our relationship. Greg was hosting a talent night and I promised I would meet him there after work. It was a real date, so for the first time I “got ready.” It was my turn to woo him. I dove into the little things: what type of bra was I wearing and how much push-up did it have. I even applied a daily breast firming cream.
Greg: That makes it sound like she just worried about her boobs, which isn’t true. Every time we’re together I can tell she has put effort into her looks. She isn’t using the Victoria’s Secret breast cream anymore. Not that I noticed — I asked her. They look fine to me either way.
Rachel: I know there are bad days, but I still know how to look hot. It would seem unfair, like a trick, to let yourself go once you know you’ve won them.
Eating Habits:
Rachel: There was never really a honeymoon phase for eating. Greg has never been Mr. Etiquette. It’s some sort of a genetic problem passed down from father to son — like diabetes or small hands. He eats his food like he’s being timed, which I guess is kind of a blessing: the faster he eats, the less time I have to watch him.
Greg: The first time I took Rachel out to dinner she ordered a salad. The last time we ate out she ordered a Porterhouse. She was polite at the table, but somewhere around the sixth month she found the capacity to eat a regular amount.
Bodily Functions:
Rachel: Greg thinks I’m a hypocrite in this area. When I was growing up, burping wasn’t a big deal but when it comes to the other end, I think it’s not OK in a relationship. Even though Greg will argue the bathroom is a safety zone for any bodily noises I still think it’s disgusting that I can hear it through the door after meals.
Greg: There has to be a safety zone. I tried for so long not to break any wind in front of her, even though when I’m feeling like death, a little flatulence is a brief respite when a toilet is too far away. I would disguise my farting with chivalry by opening the car door for her, then walking the long way around the car so I could let one go before entering the driver’s side.
Rachel:
I’ve asked him if he could somehow just be quieter with the explosions. I hate how after we’ve shared a nice meal he excuses himself and then within 30 seconds all I can hear is him letting loose on the toilet. Turn on the fan or something. Please.
Greg: In the three years we’ve been together, I’ve only heard her break wind once. It was a bittersweet moment. Although tempted, we have never popped each other’s pimples. There are lines.
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