The New Arranged Marriage
The first time Rajinder Dhaliwal’s husband came over for tea, he did not speak to her. They just sat and stared at each other. The soon-to-be bride and grooms’ families met twice more, and within a week of the final visit, the wedding date had been arranged.
Peter Dhaliwal lived in Canada and met Rajinder in India through a matchmaker. After the second visit, Rajinder’s family asked if she was happy to marry him. “I didn’t know anything about his nature. The middle man said everything. Because Canada was so far away, we can’t find out anything about him,” she said.
After the ceremony, Peter returned to Canada and sponsored Rajinder. A year later she immigrated to Canada to begin her new life as his wife. They have been married for 24 years now and are a happy family. “In an arranged marriage, people need to be ready to compromise,” Rajinder said. “Ninety per cent of the time, my husband and I think the same thing about our living standards and how we manage our family. We are lucky.”
Marriages today, regardless of form, are undergoing rapid changes. According to a report by Clark and Crompton entitled Till Death Do Us Part? The First and Second Marriage Risk of Dissolution, it is more socially acceptable to live common-law. Canadians are also waiting longer to get married.
Arranged marriages are also morphing. According to Dhaliwal, in her generation it was not customary for the future bride and groom to have time to talk and become acquainted. Now, she says, they are often permitted to date for a month or two.
David Reed, an associate professor at the University of Toronto, says that “arranged marriages in Canada represent the interface of two cultures – an immigrant’s customs and the Canadian individual choice culture.” Should a young adult follow their parents’ views and marry someone they recommend, or is the choice of a spouse solely up to the individual?
Dhaliwal has two children, and they are both allowed to find their own spouses. “Sometimes you are stuck with the wrong person in an arranged marriage, and we don’t want to risk that. Our children need more freedom; they grew up with this culture,” she said.
Elizabeth Abbott, a research associate at the University of Toronto, estimates the number of arranged marriages in Canada to be very small. They take place around the world, but are prevalent in South Asia.
Since the numbers aren’t known, it is difficult to assess their success rates. “We don’t know the divorce rate,” says Abbott. “But, anecdotally, they claim it’s lower.”
In the traditional arranged marriage, the parents are expected to find someone compatible for their child. Romance will follow, but both parties understand they must work at nurturing it.
Often in these societies, more emphasis is placed on community and the family then on the individual. The newly weds’ parents arbitrate, advice and encourage them and this social network helps to smooth out major disagreements. There is also the expectation that these marriages will last. Without these support systems, arranged marriages can struggle, especially in Canada.
Not surprisingly, Abbott and Reed also stressed the fragility of the traditional love marriage. “Love among young people is often hormonal and not a good foundation,” said Abbott. On the other hand, Reed noted that the primary virtue of a North American marriage is the degree to which the spouse continues to meet the other person’s emotional and sexual needs. “When the spark is running low, this can be grounds for divorce,” he said.
The values of North American and arranged marriages differ. In the West, said Reed, we are more focused on the emotional care of our children – their self-esteem, decision making abilities and emotional fulfilment.
Arranged marriages stress duty to the marriage, honouring vows, and caring for not only for the emotional needs of the children, but the social and economic needs of the extended family.
Abbott expects the number of arranged marriages to increase, due possibly to immigration. But she doesn’t know by how much it will rise.
With overseas arranged marriages comes the growing problem of immigration fraud. A “marriage of convenience” is when a person gets married for the sole reason of immigrating to Canada and often times, the spouse that is sponsoring the immigrant is an unknowing victim.
Simren Khamna is a volunteer for the Canadian Marriage Fraud Victim Society. “For them it’s just a fraud,” she said, describing the false spouse. “For another, it is a lifetime commitment and the emotional scars don’t just disappear.”
The society is petitioning the government to change its immigration laws so that the two must live together for three years, and if the immigrant wishes to leave the relationship during this time, they will be deported. “There are no criteria to bring someone over and to get married,” said Palwinder Gill, founder of the society. “How can we know that they are a good citizen?”
Gill and Khamna see the same patterns of fraud time and time again – the men grab their suitcases and run after only a month or two, whereas the women often file false abuse charges against their husbands.
The burden is not only emotional, but financial as well. If during these three years, the immigrating spouse goes on welfare, the Canadian must reimburse the government.
Nim Wickramasekara, a third-year general sciences student at the University of Alberta, explained how the traditional Sinhalese marriage has changed. It used to be that a family would look to a matchmaker to make recommendations, but today, people network through family. One reason, she said, that youth today still do arranged marriages is to ensure that the families are compatible. “It’s almost safer this way,” she said. “They are so involved in your life, and live so close by, that they have to be match up.”
Wickramasekara’s parents had an arranged marriage, and she describes their relationship as typical as anyone else’s – with the same problems and dynamics. She still doesn’t want one herself though. “I grew up here, with Cinderella. You meet someone and fall in love. An arranged marriage is like you’re being interviewed for a job, it’s too formal.”
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